When I was a little kid, I couldn’t understand why so many women cried at weddings. They all seemed sad, as if they were sending their children off to some horrible fate. The “tears of joy” explanation didn’t make any sense to me.
Now that I’m older, I see the beauty in love and marriage more clearly, and I’m the one tearing up … almost every time. And here’s the most embarrassing part: I don’t have to know the couple well—or even at all. The bride or groom could be a co-worker’s son or daughter I’ve never met, and I still get choked up. I’m just some random guy in the crowd trying to wipe the tears from my eyes as casually as possible.
Despite all the promise and hope found in new love, many married couples drift apart and get divorced. Many other couples who stay together look like they’re only honoring the “Till death do us part” portion of their vows. All the other vows about love seem to have been forgotten over the years. But our commitment to our spouse wasn’t merely to stay married. If that was the case, our vows might look something like this:
“I, Gallant Groom, promise to stay married to you, Beautiful Bride … even if I don’t love you anymore at some point.”
“And I, Beautiful Bride, promise to stay married to you, Gallant Groom, even if I stop loving you.”
That might technically qualify as a commitment, but it doesn’t feel much like love.
And when we said to our spouse that we would love them for better, for worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, did we really mean that we would only feel love for them? No. Our commitment wasn’t just to feel love for our spouse; it was—and is—to love them well and care for them. This requires effort each day. Our vows may not have stated explicitly that we would love them well, but the spirit of a marriage contract is absolutely to love your spouse well. If the contract promised nothing more than feeling love, that would be a pretty ridiculous commitment to make to your future spouse in front of your families, friends, and God … wouldn’t it?
“I promise to love and cherish you. By that, I mean I will feel love for you, but I’m not promising to show you love with my actions. That’s where I draw the line. I realize that ‘cherish’ means both to feel love AND to take care of you tenderly, but again, I’m only committing to the ‘feel love’ part. I just want to be clear on that. But I do have very strong feelings of love for you. Like a lot.“
I suppose a commitment to feel love for your partner is an improvement over a commitment just to stay married, but that’s not saying much. It’s still a pretty low bar—and far from loving well.
What if the vows are stepped up, and we commit to showing love to our spouse (as long as they also show love to us)? After all, a marriage is a contract … right? That sounds fair and equitable.
“I promise to love you, but only if you love me perfectly. I will even show you love at times, but only if you also show me love first. If you ever hurt my feelings, I will probably hurt you back or withhold my love from you and ignore you.”
Conditional love like this doesn’t sound very beautiful when we describe it out loud. And oftentimes, when we love our partner conditionally, we still expect them to love us unconditionally. We desperately want grace, but we’re often unwilling to give it.
“Basically, I’m asking you to forget about my mistakes and show me love at all times, but I’m probably not going to love you that way. I want you to risk loving me when you’re hurt, but when I’m hurt, I might say hurtful things to you or just ignore you. Till death do us part.”
Nobody would ever say vows like that.
Nobody would ever accept vows like that.
Yet, many of us act like that is precisely what we pledged to each other: That we will offer conditional love by giving sporadic effort based on what seems fair—without giving any grace.
The good news is that it’s never too late to honor the unspoken vow to love your partner well. It begins with making a decision each morning to love them well, no matter what. And don’t underestimate the power of making that choice … your commitment to love well is as powerful as you want it to be!
- Make it your goal to love them well today … even when it’s not easy. Notice how this goal gives you a greater sense of purpose and helps you navigate challenging moments.
- Review your game film. When your head hits your pillow at night, evaluate how well you did (with zero excuses) by reviewing your day. If there was a situation you wish had gone better, think of at least one way you can improve the next time you’re in a similar situation.
- Give yourself a clean slate tomorrow morning and repeat.
- Watch what happens in you and your relationships!
Illustration by Debbie Cook.